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Girl Scouts, damn ye!

Damn those Girl Scouts and their irresistible cookies. In the last week, several coworkers have been bringing in the Girl Scout cookies that they have bought from their children, friends, neighbors and family members. They have been laying them out on display on the file cabinet in the middle of our office for everyone to help themselves. As you can imagine, this does not aid me in dropping the 15 pounds I need to lose. Ok, maybe 20 pounds. I’ve deftly avoided the candy aisle at the supermarket for this very reason. Temptation is now lurking everywhere around me. I shall resist.

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Tagalongs. Do I want to tag along? You bet your ass I do. I want to tag along and stuff my god damn face with the peanut buttery heaven that is contained in each chocolate laden bite! Seventy calories per cookie? Sure as hell doesn’t taste that much when I am stuffing the whole god damn roll down my throat. My stomach rejoices in the sugar packed jubilee that has begun! Sure my insulin levels have spiked so high I need to leave the office and run down the fucking block. Fresh air does ya good, right?

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Thin Mints. With each bite I get further and further removed from ever having the word “thin” used in relation to ME whatsoever. Fuck it though, my belly is minty-full and having a damn minty Mardi Gras celebration of its own delight! Sure, my supervisor is now afraid to give me a stack of invoices for fear I’ll eat his hands (and the rest of him too) during my gluttonous rampage. I didn’t want to do the damn work anyway.

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Savannah Smiles. Who the fuck is Savannah and what is she smiling about? Oh, I know! She’s smiling for the same reason that I’m smiling right now! She’s fat and happy from each lemony bite she’s taking. Who said lemons are sour and make your eyes water. I’m experiencing lemon nirvana right now. Weekly status report meeting? No time for that! I hear one of the lawyers down in Business Affairs has some Do-Si-Dos that are calling my name.

Rude Awakening

This past President’s Day I awoke fairly early for a non-work day – 7:00 AM. Sunlight was peaking through the curtains in my bedroom so I laid in bed for a few minutes trying to fully wake up before I would shuffle to the kitchen to start brewing my morning coffee. The sound of my phone receiving a text message 15 minutes later made me fully awake. It was a message from my “little” sister Kath, who firmly believes it is never too early in the day for hostility. I tried to gird my loins as best as I could for what I knew would surely be the beginning of yet another onslaught of accusations, demands, insults and insanity in general.
Kath: Do you have today off for the holiday? I do
Me: Yes girl I do
Kath: Why did your text just reply with your email address and separately from the text I sent you? Isn’t it a bit early for your to be up if you’re not working?
Me: I woke up right before you texted me. I went to bed at 11 so I got my eight hours of sleep. I didn’t know my text was an email. I am just replying in the body of the text you sent me.
Kath: Yeah it doesn’t say GREG at the top it says GLewis etc.
Me: Wierd
Kath: It was so cold the last two days my car didn’t start yesterday. You spelled “weird” wrong!
Me: Oh God! And what’s the temperature?
Kath: What are you going to do today? It’s supposed to be 29 but it’s 10 right now. You’re going to be 80s or 90 which is out of the norm to.
Me: Laundry, gym, clean my bedroom, do some writing and finish one of the books i am reading
Kath: Why don’t you clean the kitchen while you’re at it?
Me: How do you know it’s dirty? Maybe I cleaned it already!
Kath: I doubt it. So did you? If you cleaned it the way you “cleaned” your bathroom before I came then it really does still need to be cleaned
Kath: You didn’t answer the question
Me: Bite Me! I cleaned it already
Kath: Bite yourself and then go clean your kitchen. Haha!