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Girl Scouts, damn ye!

Damn those Girl Scouts and their irresistible cookies. In the last week, several coworkers have been bringing in the Girl Scout cookies that they have bought from their children, friends, neighbors and family members. They have been laying them out on display on the file cabinet in the middle of our office for everyone to help themselves. As you can imagine, this does not aid me in dropping the 15 pounds I need to lose. Ok, maybe 20 pounds. I’ve deftly avoided the candy aisle at the supermarket for this very reason. Temptation is now lurking everywhere around me. I shall resist.

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Tagalongs. Do I want to tag along? You bet your ass I do. I want to tag along and stuff my god damn face with the peanut buttery heaven that is contained in each chocolate laden bite! Seventy calories per cookie? Sure as hell doesn’t taste that much when I am stuffing the whole god damn roll down my throat. My stomach rejoices in the sugar packed jubilee that has begun! Sure my insulin levels have spiked so high I need to leave the office and run down the fucking block. Fresh air does ya good, right?

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Thin Mints. With each bite I get further and further removed from ever having the word “thin” used in relation to ME whatsoever. Fuck it though, my belly is minty-full and having a damn minty Mardi Gras celebration of its own delight! Sure, my supervisor is now afraid to give me a stack of invoices for fear I’ll eat his hands (and the rest of him too) during my gluttonous rampage. I didn’t want to do the damn work anyway.

Damn those Girl Scouts and their Savannah Smiles. Who the fuck is Savannah and what is she smiling about? Oh, I know! She’s smiling for the same reason that I’m smiling right now! She’s fat and happy from each lemony bite she’s taking. Who said lemons are sour and make your eyes water. I’m experiencing lemon nirvana right now. Weekly status report meeting? No time for that! I hear one of the lawyers down in Business Affairs has some Do-Si-Dos that are calling my name.